For years, I have watched with growing concern and frustration as boys and girls are still raised very differently in parts of the British Asian community. While things are slowly changing, we need to face an uncomfortable truth: in too many homes, our boys are not just being “spoilt”; they are being set up to fail in adult life, while our girls are left carrying far more than their fair share.
Let me be clear from the start. This is not an attack on Asian culture. I am proud of our values: respect for elders, strong family ties, hospitality, faith, and care for relatives. And of course, not every family behaves this way. Many parents raise responsible, respectful sons. But we must stop pretending these problems are rare. In some circles, they are normal and even defended.
In too many households, boys grow up expecting to be served rather than to serve. From a young age, mothers or sisters place meals in front of them, wash clothes, tidy rooms, and clear up messes. By the time some reach adulthood, they are unable to do the most basic things for themselves: cook, clean, or manage a home.
At the same time, their sisters are expected to do it all. They cook, clean, look after younger siblings, host guests, and still often excel at school or work. This is not “helping out”. It is a clear imbalance where girls are trained for responsibility, and boys are excused from it.
We need to stop calling this love. It is not love to raise a son who cannot stand on his own two feet. It is neglect dressed up as care.
I have seen exhausted mothers, after a full day of work and housework, still getting up to serve food to healthy adult sons sitting comfortably on the sofa. Yet if a daughter did the same, she would quickly be called lazy or disrespectful. The boy, however, is excused with the same line: “He is a boy.”
That phrase is not harmless. It is one of the most damaging excuses in our community.
When boys are constantly shielded from responsibility, they don’t stay innocent; they become entitled. They start to believe that housework is beneath them, that responsibility belongs to women, and that adulthood will somehow excuse them from effort. That mindset doesn’t fade with age. It hardens.
We see the results clearly in marriage. Many young men enter relationships expecting their wife to take over where their mother left off. Cooking, cleaning, emotional labour, running the home all of it is assumed to be “her job”. When a wife expects equality or even basic help, it often leads to tension and conflict. This is not a misunderstanding between individuals. It is the predictable result of years of poor upbringing.
We have to say it plainly: a boy who is never taught responsibility grows into a man who resents it.
The double standards go far beyond the home. Daughters are often closely monitored where they go, who they speak to, how they dress, when they return. Sons, meanwhile, are given far more freedom, with little questioning of their behaviour or choices. Families become obsessed with protecting the “honour” of girls, while failing to teach boys any real sense of accountability.
That is not protection. It is hypocrisy.
Morality, discipline and honour are not female duties. They are human duties. Yet we have created a system where girls are controlled and boys are excused.
Even faith is sometimes used to justify this imbalance. The Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, helped in his home and served his family. Yet some who speak loudly about tradition ignore this when it comes to their own behaviour. Leadership in a family is not about being served it is about serving. Any culture or interpretation that excuses laziness and entitlement is a distortion, not a truth.
The cost of this failure is now visible. Across many British Asian communities, girls are outperforming boys in education and careers. That should be a moment of pride. Instead, in some cases, boys are falling behind lacking discipline, direction, and resilience. Some are given cars, money, and freedom without ever being asked to show responsibility or maturity.
That is not generosity. It is the creation of dependency.
Fathers also have to be honest about their role. Providing money is not the same as parenting. An emotionally absent father, who does not correct behaviour and who does not model respect for women, is not doing his job. Boys need to see men who cook, clean, work hard, apologise when they are wrong, and treat women as equals, not servants.
Mothers, too, must be supported in breaking this cycle. It is not kindness to raise a son who cannot function independently. It is unfair to him and to the women he will later expect to serve him. Teaching boys to cook, clean, budget, and take responsibility is not an attack on masculinity. It is the foundation of it.
We must also stop pretending that marriage will “fix” an immature man. A wife is not a rescue service. She is not there to complete the upbringing parents failed to do. Before asking whether a young woman is suitable for marriage, we should be asking whether our sons are ready to be husbands.
Can they take responsibility? Can they handle conflict? Can they contribute equally? If not, the problem is not with women. It is with how we have raised our boys.
This is not about attacking culture or dividing men and women. It is about facing a real problem that is harming both. Cultures survive not by refusing to change, but by correcting what is wrong within them.
Our boys do not need more excuses. They do not need more protection from basic responsibility. They need discipline, structure, and the expectation that they must contribute, not be served.
If we carry on like this, we will not just spoil our boys. We will fail them completely.
The greatest act of love is not doing everything for a child. It is preparing them to stand on their own feet, take responsibility for their lives, and stand beside women as true equals not dependents, not burdens, but partners.
