Something is going badly wrong with marriage in parts of the British Asian community. We are seeing more divorces and marriage breakdowns, and we cannot keep pretending there is no problem. Some marriages celebrated with huge weddings are over within a few years, sometimes months. We can organise a wedding for 1000 guests, hire a luxury car, spend thousands on clothes and put on a feast. But are we preparing our sons and daughters for married life? We have become experts at weddings but amateurs at marriage.
Divorce is sometimes necessary, especially where there is violence, abuse or a completely broken relationship. But we also need to ask whether some of our own attitudes and cultural practices are helping to destroy marriages.
Let’s start with something many people will not like hearing. Some of us are raising our sons badly. A man can be 30 years old, educated, earning good money and driving an expensive car, but still expect his mother to cook, clean and wash his clothes. Then he gets married and everyone expects his wife to take over. Some mothers treat their sons like princes for 30 years and then complain that their daughter-in-law cannot cope with them. Perhaps the problem isn’t always the daughter-in-law. Perhaps you raised a 30-year-old child.
Then we have the controlling mother-in-law. Of course, many mothers-in-law have wonderful relationships with their daughters-in-law, but we shouldn’t pretend control doesn’t happen. Some daughters-in-law are questioned about where they are going, who they are meeting and what time they will return. Some are told how often they are “allowed” to visit their own parents, which family functions they can attend and where they can go. She is a wife, not a prisoner. Marriage does not give the husband’s family ownership of another adult woman.
Daughters and their parents also have responsibilities. Not every disagreement needs Mum, Dad, brothers, sisters and the family WhatsApp group involved. When every argument is reported back home, a small disagreement between husband and wife can quickly become a battle between two families.
Money is another issue. Families complain that young people cannot afford a house, yet some spend £30,000, £50,000 or more on a wedding. Why? To impress people who will eat the biryani, complain about the food and forget the wedding a week later? Some couples start married life under financial pressure because their families wanted to show off. Debt is not dignity.
We also need an honest conversation about marrying from Pakistan and elsewhere abroad. Many such marriages are happy and successful, but coming from the same village, caste or family background does not automatically mean two people are compatible. Someone brought up in Bradford, Leeds or Birmingham may have very different views about marriage, careers, money, children and independence from someone raised abroad.
There is also a practice that should deeply concern us. Sometimes a young man involved in taking drugs, dealing drugs or other serious problems is married to an unsuspecting young woman from back home because the family hopes marriage will “sort him out”. Somehow, the new wife is expected to calm him down, give him responsibility and turn his life around. A wife is not a rehabilitation programme. If your son has a drug problem or is involved in crime, get him proper help. Do not bring someone else’s daughter thousands of miles away from her family and expect her to repair him. We should never sacrifice another family’s daughter in the hope that she will rescue our son.
Money can also become a serious problem when a husband settles here from abroad but his priorities remain back home. Supporting parents and relatives who genuinely need help is admirable. But what happens when money is constantly sent abroad while his own wife and children here are struggling? In some families, money is poured into building large houses back home while the wife worries about heating, food and household bills in Britain. There is something wrong when a man wants to look successful in his village while his own children are living in hardship here.
There is another side to overseas marriages. Some young women come to Britain leaving behind their parents, siblings and friends. They may become completely dependent on their husband and his family. They stay home, raise the children, cook and clean, while in some cases the husband is living another life outside the home, including having affairs. The wife may have little support and may be frightened to speak out. Bringing someone thousands of miles from her family and then controlling or betraying her is not culture. It is exploitation.
Religion can also be used when it suits people. Some husbands seem to know every religious duty their wife owes them but suddenly forget their own duties of kindness, fairness, financial support and good character. Rights and responsibilities work both ways. Religion should make us better husbands and wives, not become a tool for controlling each other.
We must also stop telling people to stay in abusive marriages because of “what people will say”. Patience does not mean accepting violence, humiliation, coercive control or abuse. Protecting the family name should never be more important than protecting a person.
Nor should we treat divorced people as failures. A divorced woman is not damaged goods, and a divorced man is not automatically a bad person. Sometimes ending a destructive marriage is better than spending decades living in misery.
A successful marriage is not measured by a £50,000 wedding, 500 guests, designer clothes or a Rolls-Royce outside the hall. It is measured by what happens after everyone has gone home.
Perhaps our biggest problem is simple: we spend years preparing our children for their wedding day, but nowhere near enough time preparing them for marriage.
